1/4 (Part 1)

Welcome back to my blog nigolaners
Hope everyone is coping well with this self-quarantine situation
and staying sane tho i know it's been pretty though
1 thing that i can say
just eat whatever u want
and stay alive
cos getting fat is technically better than dying
jangan lupa untuk selalu menjaga kebersihan
dan jangan takut akan gelap (on the side note: ga nyambung tapi gw lumayan terkejut tau tasya penyanyi kecil jaman dulu uda punya anak)

This post will be pretty deep i guess,
it's something that i never really share with anyone else
what i went through the last 2-3 years was shit

Quarter life crisis
I dont wanna sound lebay or baper
cos some of u might not believe in it
or think im just ranting out for something relatively small as compared to others
But for me, it really hit me
I went through hatred, shame, disappointment, insecurity over myself
I was lost

Cerita bermula dari kepulangan gw dari newcastle setelah s1 selese
Having stayed overseas far from your parents kinda changes you as a person
So i was staying apart from them for 4 years throughout my undergrad days
Bangun pagi tanpa dibangunin orang tua
Cari makan sendiri karena ga ada yg siapin makanan di meja
Cuci piring sendiri karena ga ada mbak
Setrika baju sendiri bak cinderella
Sakit pergi ke dokter sendiri
Pergi keluar rumah tanpa perlu pamit ke siapapun
I was being independent
It was me having control of my own life

Jujur,
pertama kali balik jakarta for good,
I was pretty excited
and happy to be back with my parents
But one thing that i didn't foresee,
living in your parents' house means u must abide by their rules
Bangun pagi, sarapan, pergi ke toko (i was expected to help my dad whenever im free),
keluyuran bentar kadang sama temen ato pergi makan with my parents,
and lastly die die have to be at home by 10pm (yes, you read it right jam 10 malem, my hypothesis: bencong cempaka putih juga belom keluar)


Hatred
Ini merupakan salah 1 konsekuensi menjadi anak tunggal,
being the only precious baby in the family,
berarti ortu lu memiliki kewas-wasan 200% lebih dari orang tua pada umumnya yang mempunyai anak lebih dari 1
ditambah dengan situasi jakarta yang rawan kriminalitas,
dimana berjalan kaki di pinggir jalan saja bisa menjadi sebuah ancaman
(i once asked my professor at SMU in front of my class, if it was safe to walk on the street in HCMC as he was briefing us about our study trip, while the rest of class thought my question was ridiculous)
Back to topic,
gw ga menyangkal kalau jakarta itu bahaya
apalagi di malam hari
I know what they mean is good,
they care for me
But still, the 10pm rule is not making any sense to me
it is just too much
bayangin lu lagi keluar hangout sama temen lu di sore hari
after dinner, u look out for dessert/ drinks,
ngobrol-ngobrol cekakak-cekikik
mall/restoran tutup jem 10
dan teng!
my mom will call me asking uda pulang?
gw harus uda sampe rumah jam 10:00 detik itu juga?
like how?
mall baru aja tutup
perjalanan dari restoran/ cafe/ bar menuju parkiran takes time
perjalanan dari parkiran menuju keluar mall takes longer time
perjalanan dari keluar mall menuju pintu tol takes loonger time
perjalanan dari pintu masuk tol menuju masuk tol takes forever
belom kalo macet di jalan tol (you know how overwhelming it can get)
it normally takes an hour (or more) buat nyampe rumah

Mungkin kalian ga melihat ini sebagai suatu masalah atau malah sesuatu yang lucu,
but this was a problem for me
although this sounded like an ababil problem
it really bothered me
i did feel fomo (fear of missing out) when my friends asked me if i wanna continue
i did feel upset cos i have lost my freedom

Worse,
i did feel anger cos they suspected me doing bad things for coming home late
Yes, they have a mindset of going out late revolves around mabok-mabokan, drugs, prostitutes
Suatu waktu i reached home by almost midnight,
i only went out for dinner ke puri, played escape room and left the place by 10pm
tapi kemacetan puri sungguh jahanam i was stuck for so long (i've never been back to puri jahanam since then)
alhasil gw sampe rumah hampir jam 12
begitu gw melangkahkan kaki ke rumah,
my dad approached me
gw dimarahin abis-abisan cos he thought i went out for something bad
i was so pissed
he accused me for something that i never do (plis club juga masih kosong jam segitu)
i couldnt stand up for myself cos if i did i was sure it would turn out worse
i could only blame myself, it sucks

One day i asked my mom, "why cant i go out late?"
her reply was, "ngapain sih emang malem-malem?"
from that moment, i told myself
"don't even think about it,
i just have to suck this up."


Shame
Konsekuensi menjadi anak tunggal lainnya adalah
ekspetasi tinggi dari orangtua
walaupun mereka ga pernah blak-blakan mengatakan itu
i can see that

Jujur,
Gw anaknya dulu boros (sekarang less boros after i've adopted konmari lifestyle, thanks marie)
The amount i spent for food & entertainment was beyond my earnings
I did really try to spend as less as i could
but the number just didn't add up
Disclaimer: this is not boasting but more of an immature thought,
I used to think money was not an issue
whenever i needed it, i could ask my parents for more

But, what really hit me was my mom
tiap kali dia ngobrol sm sodara/ temen/ langganan dia
dia selalu bilang gw belom bisa cari duit, masih minta duit sama mamanya
It didn't bother me at first
But the more she says it, the more it bothers me
And it eventually got into me
I was ashamed

Disappointment
After quitting my first job,
I decided to help on my dad's business (while having everything acai on a part-time basis)
with a thought of i could learn on how to take over the business one day
By taking part in helping the business,
i thought i would have ownership in works that i have done,
dan ga berasa guilty kalo minta uang

What i learned from helping the business were:
it was not the right time for me to be there

I knew if my dad itu nyebelin
dia bisa ngomong kasar ke pekerjanya like nobody's business
dan dia bisa ngomong kasar ke gw and my mom when he's stressed out
i was aware since young that was his weakness, no control over himself
I thought i had already accepted that long time ago
tapi semua itu berbeda,
when i had to deal with my dad from freaking 5am in the morning to 3pm (jam buka toko, kalo mau order buah tinggal telpon aja 0215602751, bisa delivery untuk wilayah jakarta, eh jadi jualan)
dikatain goblok, bego, ga punya otak berkali-kali itu ternyata sangat mempengaruhi secara emosional
i had underestimated it,
it was way more impactful than i imagined

on the learning side,
i didn't feel i was gaining anything significant
i was tasked to do sales, sales and sales
not that i have mastered sales
but for me, that was not the kind of learning that i needed at that time
i wanted to fully understand how to run a business from sales to operations, finance and marketing
yet he couldnt give me what i needed
he was not the right mentor for me

Insecurity
As millennials, we're on social media at least 1/6 of our times a day
and pretty sure we know it can get toxic sometimes

You know the feeling when you scroll through your social media,
and see the achievements that your friends made,
one built a satellite,
one is doing PhD at Harvard,
one is a successful entrepreneur,
they are making their marks,
while i am here, asking myself over and over
why am i here?
what am i doing with my life?

I didnt know where i was
i couldnt recognise myself
i lost track of time
i was lost

Growing up

I was hit really hard to the point i told myself

this is unhealthy

this is not how i wanna live my life

this is gotta stop

Acknowledging and understanding my current situation, 

i decided to walk away from that misery

i looked up online for master programmes,

what skills and knowledge i wanna gain

which course suits my strength

which country would be the best option

what job opportunities are available

I took the opportunity to pursue postgrad study at SMU eventually

I will keep more details for the next post (coming soon)

but what i can say it was one of the best decisions i have ever made

It was not easy,

but i'm grateful for what i have been through

it takes tears to truly enjoy a smile

it takes lots of trials and errors to gain success

it takes lots of time to reflect and be peace with yourself (am still working on it)

it takes courage to leave your comfort zone and start a new journey

namaste

to be continued...