I'm Okay

Heyo wassup nigolaners sekalian
yang berada di rumah masing-masing

Ga kerasa kita uda memasuki pertengahan tahun
yeah half of the year has gone, just like that
but i hope we can use our time during this period
as a chance to work on ourselves in whatever way we want
either learning new skills
either cooking like the next masterchef
either selling any homemade shitz online
or either having some reflection on ourselves

One of the reflections that i was having lately
adalah tentang orangtua,
my relationship with my parents,
their parenting style
and how that affects me growing up
and id like to share this story dengan semua nigolaners yang membaca post ini

Untuk memberikan gambaran awal,
I started having a deep thought on this
after listening to a podcast episode of Makna Talks (check this out on spotify)
and an ig live session of Nadya Hutagalung

Di episode makna talks ini,
bintang tamunya adalah Ringgo & Sabai
Mereka menceritakan tentang aplikasi liberalisme mereka dalam parenting
bagaimana mereka menghargai keputusan sang anak,
bagaimana mereka menerapkan 2 ways communication dengan anak,
dan bagaimana mereka membangun kepercayaan anak untuk menceritakan hal apapun ke mereka

Di lain cerita, Nadya Hutagalung berbagi cerita

how her children can come up to her and communicate as friends

throwing any thoughts they have in mind

sharing any difficulties they are experiencing 

having their parents as their safe space

Coming from a pretty reserved or traditional family,

hal-hal yang mereka ceritakan terdengar asing di telinga gw

and it got me thinking

if thats how normal parents should be?

why it all sounds like a luxury to me?

does not having that in my life actually make me broken as a person? 

Okay

im okay

itu adalah filosofi yang diajarkan oleh orangtua gw sedari kecil
segala sesuatunya itu baik dari sananya
and it will always remain that way

But what is really ok?

okay
ok!
k

okay..?

ok jelly drink?

nobody can be certain

nobody knows what is going on behind that many layers of ok

Ibaratnya tip-x,

ok itu hanya menutupi segala kesalahan/ kekurangan yang ada

tapi dibalik itu,

kesalahan yang diperbuat tak pernah terhapuskan

hanya mengendap dan tersembunyi

Di keluarga gw sendiri,

kita ga pernah terlalu membicarakan apa yang kita rasakan

Percakapan hanyalah sebatas permukaan dari masalah yang kita miliki,

bagaimana cara kita menghadapi itu,

bantuan apa yang kita bisa berikan ke satu sama lain

Tapi percakapan itu tidak pernah menyentuh perasaan dibalik kita semua

Perasaan itu seakan tidak eksis di keluarga kami

Kembali ke 20+an tahun silam (shit i feel old now),

i recalled the first time where feeling was still a part of me

it was when sus (my nanny) decided to leave (gatau antara berhenti, diberhentiin ato mau kawin)

I was about 4 years old back then

she told me she was leaving with all her stuffs packed

i was then crying so hard for quite awhile  

karna gw menganggap sus adalah orang terdekat di hidup gw pada waktu itu

(growing up, orangtua gw ga punya terlalu banyak waktu di rumah, dan gw anak tunggal so i was all alone with sus)

then my parents told me to stop crying, 

dont make a big fuss

be ok

without any explanation

Being an innocent 4 years old boy,

i just had to accept all that without knowing the reason why
At the same time i was forced to internalise

losing someone is a normal thing
feeling attached to someone is redundant
whatever happens, dont make a big fuss

be ok

titik.

Subsequently, there were a few heartbreaking events passing just like that in my younger days

my closest uncle whom i saw as a friend passed away when i was 9,

my grandpa who liked to cook me good food passed away when i was 11,

my dad got hospitalised back and forth when i was 14 (he was in a really poor state back then)

Semua itu gw lalui begitu aja tanpa merasakan apapun
tanpa mengerti apa yang sesungguhnya terjadi

tanpa mengerti apa yang gw alami dalam diri gw sendiri

Kejadian-kejadian tersebut gw proses sebagai sesuatu hal yang biasa
cos thats what i was taught
it was all ok

Tho deep down
i know there's a part of me that is broken
i have lost the capability in understanding my own psychology
i have lost the capability in expressing emotion
i have lost the capability of being honest to myself
i have lost my sense of attachment
i have lost my feeling

Alhasil, gw tumbuh menjadi seseorang yang bisa dibilang ga berperasaan
gw berusaha untuk menyangkal apa yang sesungguhnya gw rasakan

menutupi seribu satu perasaan yang berkecamuk dalam diri gw dengan tip-x itu

Perasaan yang sesungguhnya selalu ada di situ
telah mengendap dan tak dapat terlihat

Sampai saat ini,

kalau ada orang yang nanya apa kabarnya gw

i can only say

im okay

Theres never been a not ok for me

if theres ever been a not ok, its my fault

I think as an asian (or at least in my family),

we are taught to respect our parents 

and it is our responsibility to make them proud and happy

Doktrin tersebut sungguh melekat dalam diri gw,

gw berusaha sebaik mungkin untuk membuat mereka bangga & senang

ive become a high-achiever (atau kiasu dalam bahasa hokkien)

The downside of being a high-achiever;

a higher impact of disappointment when things go south

Ketika gw ga berhasil menuntaskan sesuatu yang mereka ingini,

mereka bakal menunjukkan kekecewaan mereka (mostly my dad),

entah gw diomelin, 

dibilang ga becus,

dibilang ga berguna

I will feel upset everytime that happens

yet i am expected to be ok

On some level, it made me growing up in fear

takut buat kegagalan

takut buat keputusan yang salah

takut buat orang tua kecewa

takut dianggap sebagai anak yang gak berguna

Im not sure if thats a good or bad thing
The fear has aways been a part of me to date,

i will question myself a hundred times before jumping into decision

it exhausts me

it overwhelms me

but thats the only way i was taught to live

On the side note,

it pushes me to always give my 200% in whatever i do

which brings me to where i am today

When Nadya Hutagalung said she's the safe haven for her kids,

i could only envy that

It's a place that ive been looking for in my whole life

but im still not sure if it actually exists

Sometimes i wonder if its really the generation gap

or its actually my fault

Ketika berkomunikasi dengan orangtua gw,

gw berasa ga bisa menjadi diri gw yang sesungguhnya
Yang gw rasakan adalah gw sedang berada di layar tv (jiwa artisku pun keluar)
dan harus berhati-hati dengan apa yang gw sampaikan
agar ga ditegur oleh kpi/ dicap buruk oleh netijen

Banyak informasi yang harus gw pilah sebelum gw sampaikan

karena jika ada suatu hal yang gw sampaikan

entah itu yg gw lakukan atau teman gw lakukan ga sesuai dengan norma ok mereka,

gw bakal dianggap salah

gw bakal dicap anak ga bener

and that will be on me
my fault (again)

Deep down, i wish i could share my stories with them,

i wanna share my life,

what i am experiencing

what i am going through

with no judgement

Gw berharap gw bisa menjadi 100% diri gw ketika berada di depan mereka
bisa dimengerti oleh orangtua sendiri
bisa merasa nyaman tanpa perlu bersembunyi di balik topeng yang selama ini gw kenakan
But i guess i'll just have to continue building my trust towards them till then

tho im not sure if it will ever lead me to the safe haven i need

Sesuai dengan ajaran orang tua gw,

i decided to acknowledge and accept this bittersweetness with no resentment,
tho it costed me to be a closed & introverted person,

however this is ok

Hal tersebut justru membuat gw berkembang menjadi mandiri,

masalah apapun yang gw punya, ga gw bagikan ke orang lain,

cukup itu menjadi masalah pribadi dan gw selesaikan sendiri sebisa mungkin

Orangtua gw cukup melihat hasil akhirnya aja

cukup merasa bangga dan senang aja

let me walk through dirt & mud myself without them having to see it

Despite all of that,

i have no resentment or regret in growing up as their child

I know that im lucky to have parents who have been there for me
I do know we love each other, we have each other's back 

I know and appreciate their hard work in providing me food and shelter

They have given me their best
They make me who i am today

and im grateful for that

Terima kasih emak, terima kasih aba
anakmu ga harus jualan opak

If one day i have children, 

i just hope they can have things that i didnt get while growing up;

me being their safe haven where they can run to

whenever they have feelings to share

whenever they have stories to tell

whenever they face any difficulties
whenever they need companion
whenever they need to be their true self

They dont have to hide their feelings and tell me im okay
I would like to hear im not okay
cos after all thats what makes us human

I will be that cool dad

Daddy Nigolan (thanks to someone for giving the idea of this name)

Salam Nigolaners

Dedi & Nigolan